I'm sorta at a loss for words today. Yesterday's appointment was different. We didn't get to see Brayden because they only checked for heart tones. That saddened me because I love seeing him every Monday. Also, this week I came prepared with a list of questions to ask my doctor. I have questions every week but because I get so emotionally charged, I always forget to ask them. My doctor sat down with me for almost an hour yesterday answering all of my questions. It was great to get to talk to him for that long. He explained to me that a lot of things that are wrong with Brayden weren't explained in depth because they weren't expecting him to make it this far. Also, he said it is hard for him to deliver such bad news to mothers. I can understand that. I told him that I am the type of person that needs all available information. Good or bad I have to know what I'm dealing with so that I can prepare myself and so I can know what to pray about. One of my major questions yesterday was how is it that Brayden still has a normal heart rate if his heart is really as abnormal as they believe it to be? He told me basically the cord is providing him with circulation. In other words, I'm providing Brayden with life support. The Dr. also told me that after birth, once the cord was clamped, that given his heart condition, it would probably not be able to keep beating. When the Dr. was telling me this, Brayden was kicking and moving all around. It was a strange feeling. How can a baby that is so alive right now not make it? I'm trying to remain strong. There is no way that I will ever give up on Brayden, but I feel so defeated today.
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." (Psalm 61:1-4)