Last Tuesday I noticed that I hadn't felt Brayden all day. I told Marcus that night but we both weren't too worried because he's done that to us before. The next morning, I was shaking my belly trying to trigger some movement from Brayden. When I didn't feel any I reluctantly called the doctor. (I really didn't want to call because I knew everything was fine) When I spoke to the receptionist she told me to come in right away. I called Marcus at work, told him what was going and he picked me up at home. We dropped Bryce off at my sister in laws and headed the doctor. The whole way there we both weren't worried or nervous because we felt that everything was fine. I wish that would have been true. When we got to the doctor's office the nurse put the Doppler to my stomach. Usually when they do this his heart beat picks up immediately. The nurse kept going around and around my stomach--no noise. Marcus and I made eye contact and in that moment my heart began to break. They sent us to ultrasound and when our sweet ultrasound tech walked in I started sobbing. She tried to comfort us saying that sometimes babies change positions...but when she put the wand to my stomach I saw her flip a switch to page the doctor. I put my hands over my face and sobbed...then I heard "I'm not seeing a heartbeat."
Our baby was gone. I know that Brayden had a lot against him, but I just didn't expect to lose him. At least not this way.I delivered Brayden Wednesday, June 22 at 8:38 pm. Brayden weighed 4lbs, 3 ounces and was 16 1/2 inches long. Words cannot describe how beautiful this baby was. Brayden was completely perfect. No abnormalities to be seen on the outside.
We had a beautiful funeral for Brayden. Every mother wants her children to be complimented and what a joy it was for me for people to tell me how beautiful my baby was. He looked like a baby doll in his blue gown and chubby cheeks.
Tonight, I am desperate to hold my baby just one more time. I cannot describe the heaviness my arms feel without my baby in them. I am still in a state of shock. I keep telling Marcus that its too much for me to allow myself to even think about. We are both hurting so bad, but we have great medicine with our precious Bryce. (Who by the way, got to hold his little brother.) The only prayer that I can manage to say these days is God see me through. I'm not sure what else to pray right now. My mom told me to take it one day at a time, but really I'm taking it minute by minute. I miss my baby so much.
