Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Sweet Baby Brayden

I can't believe that it has been one week since I held my sweet angel in my arms. This past week has been a whirl wind and I feel like I can't catch my breath. I'm trusting in God but the hurt I feel is so deep that I can't comprehend it. I wanted to let you all know how we got to this point.
Last Tuesday I noticed that I hadn't felt Brayden all day. I told Marcus that night but we both weren't too worried because he's done that to us before. The next morning, I was shaking my belly trying to trigger some movement from Brayden. When I didn't feel any I reluctantly called the doctor. (I really didn't want to call because I knew everything was fine) When I spoke to the receptionist she told me to come in right away. I called Marcus at work, told him what was going and he picked me up at home. We dropped Bryce off at my sister in laws and headed the doctor. The whole way there we both weren't worried or nervous because we felt that everything was fine. I wish that would have been true. When we got to the doctor's office the nurse  put the Doppler to my stomach. Usually when they do this his heart beat picks up immediately. The nurse kept going around and around my stomach--no noise. Marcus and I made eye contact and in that moment my heart began to break. They sent us to ultrasound and when our sweet ultrasound tech walked in I started sobbing. She tried to comfort us saying that sometimes babies change positions...but when she put the wand to my stomach I saw her flip a switch to page the doctor. I put my hands over my face and sobbed...then I heard "I'm not seeing a heartbeat."
Our baby was gone. I know that Brayden had a lot against him, but I just didn't expect to lose him. At least not this way.I delivered Brayden Wednesday, June 22 at 8:38 pm. Brayden weighed 4lbs, 3 ounces and was 16 1/2 inches long. Words cannot describe how beautiful this baby was. Brayden was completely perfect. No abnormalities to be seen on the outside.
We had a beautiful funeral for Brayden. Every mother wants her children to be complimented and what a joy it was for me for people to tell me how beautiful my baby was. He looked like a baby doll in his blue gown and chubby cheeks.
Tonight, I am desperate to hold my baby just one more time. I cannot describe the heaviness my arms feel without my baby in them. I am still in a state of shock. I keep telling Marcus that its too much for me to allow myself to even think about. We are both hurting so bad, but we have great medicine with our precious Bryce. (Who by the way, got to hold his little brother.) The only prayer that I can manage to say these days is God see me through. I'm not sure what else to pray right now. My mom told me to take it one day at a time, but really I'm taking it minute by minute. I miss my baby so much.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

34 Weeks

Just wanted to give a quick update and also ask for your continued prayers. I spent several hours yesterday in labor and delivery because of my blood pressure. I was allowed to go home but the doctor wants me on bed rest. (This is not possible with a 2 1/2 year old...but I am taking it easy) I have to now see the doctor twice a week. If my blood pressure does not regulate he thinks it's best to go ahead and take Brayden. I don't feel well and my pressure is high, but I want to hold on to him a little bit longer. Please pray!
My next doctor's appointment is Thursday morning.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

32 Weeks...

I have to apologize for not updating in awhile. Writing this blog is extremely therapeutic for me but it also is emotionally draining. I have never gone back and reread anything I have written because its hard enough writing in the first place. Sometimes it feels as if I'm watching this situation happen to someone else and not to me.
Can you believe that Brayden has now made is to 32 weeks?! If you serve the God I do then I'm sure you can...but what a miracle baby he is already! We were able to get a 4D ultrasound done of our sweet baby. He's beautiful!! I would like to say that the last few weeks have been uneventful, but I can't. I was actually sent to labor and delivery for a few hours, but God had another plan for our baby. :) We just had a check up Monday. Brayden's heart rate sounded good, my blood pressure could be better, and I measured 30 weeks. Measuring 30 weeks is also a miracle because the week before I only measured 28. He's growing! Last week they estimated that he weighed 2 lbs, 13 ounces.
I would like to ask for your continued prayers. Please pray for Brayden's healing, my blood pressure, and  emotional well being. I have not been sleeping too well these days. My heart breaks a little more each night knowing that I'm one day closer to possibly having to say goodbye to Brayden. The thought is more than I can bare. Also, I will spare the details but the doctor believes that "something is happening" as far as labor is concerned. I have been told this several times before, but I am believing that I will carry Brayden full term.
Our next appointment is June 20th.