Wednesday, May 11, 2011

28 Weeks

I'm sorry I am just now updating about Monday's appointment. For those of you who know me best,  know that I am just "tired." It seems that the only good news to report is that Brayden is still with us. I cannot believe that I am already 7 months pregnant. In one way it seems that I have been dealing with this forever, but now that his due date is approaching, I feel that it is going by way to fast. Truth be told I'm just not ready to bury my baby. I realize that God is still in control and that there can still be a miracle. I feel my miracle is going to be getting to meet sweet Brayden. I'm so thankful that God has allowed him to defy all statistics that he wouldn't make it past 18 weeks. I just cannot stand the thought losing him. I am scared to death of what the day of his birth is going to bring us. Although there are other emotions I feel that day will bring, scared is the biggest one that jumps out. It's amazing what can hurt you when you are going through something like this. For mother's day, Lisa made some pictures of Bryce and put it in a frame for me. I loved it! But as I was looking at the others, it hurt me to see a friend's gift. Her children have the same age difference as Bryce and Brayden. It was so precious to see them in their pictures with their arms around each other. It struck me that I may not ever get one of those pictures. I know I probably shouldn't think that way, but those are the things that pop into my mind everyday. I cannot believe how much of my life that I taken for granted. I took for granted bringing Bryce home from the hospital. I wish I could go back and live those moments again. I don't think Marcus and I would have minded as much not getting ANY sleep with a newborn that had his days and nights confused. I would give anything for Brayden to be able to keep us up at night.
 Prayers needed.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day yesterday. I spent the day thanking God for giving me my amazing Bryce and also allowing me to be with Brayden this year. While most of the day was spent with my wonderful family, I did experience moments of sadness.  I kept thinking about what this day would mean to me next year. Would I be spending time with Brayden here on earth? There are so many unknowns. Sometimes, the thought of everything that is supposed to happen hurts so deep that I can't even comprehend it. For example, last Saturday Bryce and I went to a farmers market. Bryce was loving naming all of the fruit he saw (he LOVES fruit) and the owner was asking me all about him because she has a grandson around the same age. As I was leaving, she noticed my 28 week tummy and said "Oh, when is your other baby due?" I told her. She then said "Do you know what you're having?" I replied and then she said, "Aw, now this one will have someone to play with." I just smiled and agreed. It didn't make me sad, it was a feeling that I couldn't explain.  It just felt normal to agree with her, so I did.
Today we have our doctor's appointment. I didn't go last week. I have been feeling good movement and I just didn't want any more bad news since we had enough around us with the devastation the tornadoes left behind. I am anxious to see my sweet Brayden today. I will update later.
Please keep the prayers coming!