Tuesday, March 29, 2011

22 Weeks

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love." Psalm 33:18

God never fails us. My hope for Brayden is in Him; not my doctors. 
Yesterday was a day that brought me closer to God. I could feel God's grace all around. During my appointment, I had some powerful prayers going up for Brayden and I could feel every one of them. I have never know peace like this before. At the start of the ultrasound Brayden's heart rate was 120. This made me a little nervous at first, until we realized that he was asleep. Then, we saw (and I felt) Brayden make a big stretch. Apparently we disturbed the sweet angel's nap. From that point forward Brayden was wide awake and giving us a good show. We have a fantastic ultrasound technician that we see every week. She took time from her schedule yesterday to switch the ultrasound over to 4D. She just kept printing pictures for us because Brayden's face was so distinct and so darn cute! Needless to say, I have lots of pictures to put in Brayden's first album. During the ultrasound I said, "Ah, I can't wait to hold him." At that point my ultrasound tech started to cry. She then shared with Marcus and I that she lost a son when he was 6 years old. She also said that she  really feels for us and she doesn't understand why things like this happen. I ended up hugging and comforting her, which was a great change for me. I love caring for others and at times I'm not sure how to let people do the same for me. I ended up suggesting books that have helped me and talking about heaven with her. It was great for me to be able to do that. We did not receive any new news yesterday, which is actually a blessing. Brayden is our little fighter and I think he knows that we are all fighting and pulling for him.
Thank you for your continued prayers~

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pray for Brayden

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Matthew 18:20

Today we have what has become our routine doctor's appointment at 3:00. I expect all that they will do is check for Brayden's heart beat. I am believing God can heal Brayden. I have prayed and prayed for God's will to be done and now I pray that God will heal our little boy. Although I don't expect to hear anything new today, I would like everyone to pray for Brayden at 3:00. God is working. Please pray for this sweet baby.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philip 4:6-7)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Team Brayden

I just received an e-mail from a sweet friend of mine that ended by her writing "Team Brayden!" I absolutely love this idea. I have been so humbled this week by how many lives our sweet Brayden has touched. His life does have meaning and does have a purpose. I have been so blessed that God has chosen Marcus and I for this journey. What an amazing gift Brayden is to us. It is such a great comfort knowing that he has been a gift to others besides our family. I will admit that this week has brought me to the lowest point of sorrow. I have never known heartache like I have known it through this journey. But from this pain I am starting to get a renewed sense of purpose. I know that the sorrow and pain in my heart will never go away, but I also know that God is working. 
When we first received news of Brayden's diagnosis, I had a pastor call me. During this conversation, he prayed that whenever I was feeling abandoned or low, that someone would reach out to me. My friends, God has answered this prayer. I praise God for all the he has given me. 
I hope to hear how many of you are on "Team Brayden."
Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. Please keep praying for our special miracle. Our next doctor's appointment is Monday at 3:00. I would love for everyone reading this blog to take a moment and pray for Brayden at that time. Thanks.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

21 Weeks

"The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you."

We were so optimistic about our sweet baby last week. I had what I thought was a good ultrasound. We were able to get pictures of Brayden's sweet little face. We were also able to see him suck his thumb. So precious. Our Dr. was on vacation last week, so after the full analysis ultrasound we were sent home with lots of pictures and hope. In the back of my mind I knew that this week's appointment would probably not leave me feeling as hopeful; I was right.
Yesterday, we went in for our weekly check up. Brayden's heart rate was 146, which in normal. After the ultrasound, we met with our Dr. to go over his findings from last week's analysis. We were told lots of devastating news yesterday. I'm still not sure how to take it all in. This is what the full analysis showed:
He told us that Brayden has a condition where the fluid in his spinal cord is not draining. He also has fluid in his bowels that shouldn't be there, fluid on his brain, and excessive fluid in his kidneys that have caused them to swell. Last, he told us that Brayden has one large ventricle in his heart and only a partial ventricle on the other side. I just sat there, taking it all in. Nodding when I was supposed to all the while getting more and more angry.
I am angry that I have to be given signs and symptoms of preterm labor as something that is going to happen. I am mad when people all around me have "normal" pregnancies and I don't. On my way home yesterday I had the overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs and ask God why this is happening. I'm thankful that I have a God that can handle those sorts of times. God began to whisper to me that he knows what sorrow feels like. God watched his son, Jesus die on the cross for us. God knows what it feels like to grieve and I know He is grieving along side with me.
Brayden needs your prayers. We are thankful for all the support we have been given over the last few months. I know that it is only by your prayers and God's grace that I have been able to function lately. Thank you and I am so thankful for our Brayden.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

18 Weeks

Yesterday we went for our routine ultrasound. From the very beginning of the appointment, I was feeling optimistic. I'm not sure why, but I felt very calm. Brayden had the hiccups during the ultrasound. Poor baby! He was bouncing all over the screen. I have to admit, that one of my biggest fears throughout this entire ordeal, was that Brayden's face would be deformed. I know in the grand scheme of things, that may not seem like a big deal to some, but it was to me. Yesterday, we had a prayer answered! The ultrasound tech said that his mouth looked great (no cleft palate!) and he had the perfect little nose! We were able to get a great picture of his side profile. He has such a sweet face. God is so good! 
We did get some bad news  though. Brayden has some fluid on his brain. She said that there wasn't much, but there was some there. (I'm not sure exactly what that means.) He also has some "spots" on his heart. We will know everything next week. We will have a full analysis by ultrasound next week. Some people have questioned why I want to know everything. This is my baby, and I need to prepare for him. I want to know what is wrong and what is not wrong so that I can put some of my fears at ease and so I can be prepared when I get to meet him. Also, my doctor noticed my good mood yesterday. He was very quick to remind me to not forget what the final outcome was going to be. I wish that everyone could let me enjoy my little victory and allow me to be happy for a moment. Those type of comments strip my joy away and I don't want that to happen. I praise God for Brayden and I'm so thankful for him.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Prayer

I found this in my mailbox at school today...this sums up everything I need from God. I am so blessed to work with such Godly people. I am thankful to whoever wrote this for me.

Lord, I ask in your name that my child be healed.
I am willing to accept your decision no matter what it will be. I am willing to take on the responsibilities for caring for this child. I am willing to give this child love and understanding no matter the cost.

Please Lord help me accept the reality of what has happened without explanation or warning. Help me face that this is not my fault and that I was given a special task to complete here on Earth.

God give my child the strength to make it through another second, minute, hour, and day as each moment is a blessing and triumph from Heaven.

God, may you give the strength and compassion to the caregivers and nurses that take care of my child. May you keep my child protected and free from all injury and pain.

Please take away the guilt and burden from my heart dear Lord. It is heavy and I feel it is all my fault. Take it away Lord. Jesus please give me the strength that I need to communicate with the doctors and nurses.

As you see dear Lord, I am at your mercy for the life of my child. Please leave him here on Earth and know that I will provide all the love and understanding that this child needs. I accept the challenge and will be your humble servant.