Monday, April 18, 2011

Psalm 34:18

I felt like God was up to something today...
On my way to our doctor's appointment, I felt such a burden on my heart. I asked God to please help me because I am so tired and I just don't know how much more I can take. I say this because it seems that every time we have a good week, it's followed by a bad one. We love this baby so much, and I KNOW God can heal him, but with every appointment, I feel like I have to justify his life to the medical profession. It's heartbreaking to love someone so much while others don't see his value.
Nonetheless, while Marcus and I were waiting, a lady sitting behind me said, "Excuse me, are you pregnant?" I turned around and told her yes. She then went on and on about how exciting it is to get ultrasounds, asked me if we were finding out today what we were having, etc. etc. This is the first time I have had to have a "pregnancy conversation" with a complete stranger. She then asked me how far along I was and when I told her 25 weeks, she couldn't believe it. "You're so small, you look like you're only a few weeks pregnant." I'm not into traumatizing people, so I just thank you and turned back around. (Okay, God...that was really painful.) What was even more painful was the look on Marcus' face. The lady couldn't see his reaction because she was behind us, but I have never seen the look of pain so intense on my husband's face and I hope I never have to again.
We were finally called back to ultrasound. Our usual technician did not see us today. Brayden's heart rate was great. He really doesn't like to have his picture taken, today he poked his bottom lip out. He is measuring 2 weeks behind. They estimated that he weighs 1 pound, 3 ounces. They are still only seeing 3 chambers in his heart, instead of 4. (Please pray specifically for God to heal his heart.) After the ultrasound, they put us in sub waiting by ourselves. Finally, our nurse came in and sat with us for a minute. She told Marcus and I that they have never had a trisomy 13 patient make it to this point. (Thank you, Jesus!) Then, Marcus said, "I just know we are going to get to see this baby alive." When he said this, I began to sob. Not because I don't believe it, but because I knew our nurse didn't and I knew she was going to tell us that. I was right, our nurse responded, "I know you can't answer this but, do you really want to see him suffer? He's going to suffer if he survives birth." This is the point where I broke down even further. I haven't cried at the doctor's office since we first received news of Brayden's diagnosis. I can't explain it, but I usually get into this zombie like state where I don't ask any questions or say much of anything at all, then I just let it all out on my way home. I couldn't help it today. How could a mother answer that question?? No, I do not want Brayden to suffer and yes I want him here. Is there any fairness in this situation? No. I won't go into the details of how they believe he will suffer, because I don't believe them. They have told me a lot in the last 25 weeks that has turned out to be not true, so I'm putting my trust in God.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10


  1. Continue to hold on to your Faith. My prayers are with you everyday. Brayden is your son and the love you have for him is real. I am praying that these doctors and nurses will understand that and all and allow you this time with him. I am also praying for God healing on this side of heaven but praising Him that Brayden will be healed no matter what. He is a precious life and love gift! Thatnk you for sharing his beautiful life with us

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  3. Will pray for you. Just lost a friend...way too early. Brayden needs to be here to fill his spot, and do the things he could not do: live a vibrant faith filled-life! May the Lord continue to lift you and Marcus up. "For I the Lord Thy God will hold thy right hand saying unto thee, Fear not; for I will help thee." Isaiah 41:13