I have so many of them. Sometimes I hate myself for asking them repeatedly. As a Christian, I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. "Why me God? Why our baby?" I always answer these questions with "Why not us? Why not our baby?"Those answers make sense in my mind, but not my heart. Over the last month I have questioned whether or not I will ever be able to be happy again without feeling guilty. We are closing on our brand new house today. What a blessing that is in the midst of a storm. Even so, I am not overcome with joy. A few weeks ago I brought my Aunt Cindy to see our house. I was showing her around saying, "This is going to be Bryce's room, this is Bryce's playroom, and this will be a guest room." Then suddenly, sadness overcame me. I thought to myself, where is Brayden's room? I'm carrying a child that will never have a bedroom in our home. It made me feel guilty, angry, and sad. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I don't have faith that God can perform a miracle and heal Brayden. There is nothing that my God cannot do. However, what I didn't share in the first blog is Brayden's prognosis. Both of my Doctors have given him the same exact odds: Statistically, he will not survive birth. Based on his abnormalities, if he does survive birth, they give me a few hours at best with him. How unfair.
Then there are the questions that I have received from other people, including nurses and doctors, that rip me to my core. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" "Don't you think that this is going to make it harder on everyone else?" (They are referring to my decision NOT to terminate Brayden) I wish that I could have stood my ground and ministered to these people. I wish I could have said that I serve an all-knowing God that would take my baby when he was ready...but I couldn't. It was all I could do not to cry so I simply said "I just can't."
Oh My Sweet Deana! I Just really CAN Not imagine what that feels like!! I am soo so sorry that you have to! This world doesn't make sense sometimes. God doesn't make sense to me sometimes. A God of love? It doesnt always seem that way, but i know that he IS and maybe we just can't think like he does. Maybe he thinks that we get to love Brayden for a few months. I just wish it were more!I Love you Deana! I will be praying for you! I pray that this does Not take away your joy! Please don't feel guilty for enjoying your life while you still have Brayden!I am thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteDeana, you have been on my mind lately and I have been praying for you! I knew something was going on by your facebook status updates. I know I live far away, but know that you have someone praying for Brayden all the way in NE!!! I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your faith is very strong and it's apparent through your blog posts. Thinking and praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteDeana, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but you are right, we serve an all-knowing God and it is His decision when to take sweet Brayden. He's still in the miracle business and only He really knows the outcome of this situation. Sometimes it's easy to think, "God, just show us your will", but He always does in His perfect timing! None of us are promised tomorrow. I'm so proud of you for being a strong woman and standing your ground. I'm not so sure I would be able to witness in your situation either, but I firmly believe we can witness by our actions, not only our words. By you choosing to carry your baby, you are being a witness. Anyone with no faith could easily choose to terminate, but you are being faithful by nurturing and carrying your sweet Brayden. I'm praying for you and your family every day!
ReplyDeleteYour witness is the fact that you are doing the right thing in carrying your child. Motherhood does not begin at birth but at conception, and your love for Brayden began at that point as well. You will be Brayden's mother as long and you live. I know right now you are hurting and the pain is great but I hope you will find peace in knowing that you are lifted up in prayer by so many. I have begun praying for you daily and will continue to do so.
ReplyDeleteI have asked those same questions and also thought 'why not me?' I never imagined that it would happen to me-carrying a child that wouldn't live. That is something that happens to other people. Not me.
ReplyDeleteWhat people don't understand is terminating the pregnancy will NOT make it any easier. Maybe for other people b/c they won't see the reminder but never for you or your husband and family. Either way you grieve the loss of a much loved child. The way I see it, when you carry to term you get to cherish the time you have left with them and make memories that you may not have made if you had ended the pregnancy. I pray that someone will be ministered by your love for Brayden. And I fully believe it will happen. Someone's life will be touched in a way that wouldn't have been possible otherwise.
I could not imagine your pain or suffering. I praise your decision to leave it in God's hands. That is so humbling. My heart breaks for your family. Please remember God has a plan for Brayden. As He does you. In time he will reveal that to you! Trust in him.
ReplyDeleteWith much love!
Wendy