I have so many of them. Sometimes I hate myself for asking them repeatedly. As a Christian, I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. "Why me God? Why our baby?" I always answer these questions with "Why not us? Why not our baby?"Those answers make sense in my mind, but not my heart. Over the last month I have questioned whether or not I will ever be able to be happy again without feeling guilty. We are closing on our brand new house today. What a blessing that is in the midst of a storm. Even so, I am not overcome with joy. A few weeks ago I brought my Aunt Cindy to see our house. I was showing her around saying, "This is going to be Bryce's room, this is Bryce's playroom, and this will be a guest room." Then suddenly, sadness overcame me. I thought to myself, where is Brayden's room? I'm carrying a child that will never have a bedroom in our home. It made me feel guilty, angry, and sad. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I don't have faith that God can perform a miracle and heal Brayden. There is nothing that my God cannot do. However, what I didn't share in the first blog is Brayden's prognosis. Both of my Doctors have given him the same exact odds: Statistically, he will not survive birth. Based on his abnormalities, if he does survive birth, they give me a few hours at best with him. How unfair.
Then there are the questions that I have received from other people, including nurses and doctors, that rip me to my core. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" "Don't you think that this is going to make it harder on everyone else?" (They are referring to my decision NOT to terminate Brayden) I wish that I could have stood my ground and ministered to these people. I wish I could have said that I serve an all-knowing God that would take my baby when he was ready...but I couldn't. It was all I could do not to cry so I simply said "I just can't."