4th of July

I went to Brayden's grave for the first time. It was harder than I thought it would be. We told Bryce we were going to see baby Brayden, which was a huge mistake. When we got there he was looking all over for him and then cried when we left because he wanted to "see baby Brayden." I'm going to have to be more careful how I word things. I can tell that Bryce is trying to comprehend everything. To be honest, I'm still working on that too. I'm at a loss for how to make him understand...I just keep praying for the right words to say.
Later, we were on our way home from my parent's house and we could see fireworks everywhere we looked...it was beautiful! It made me think about what Brayden was seeing at that moment. I smiled thinking that nothing could compare to what he was seeing. Then I started thinking about what the word freedom now means for Brayden. Brayden is free from the heartache this world brings. Brayden will never know disappointment, pain, or sickness. I'm thankful for that thought because it gets me through to another day. I told Marcus that I don't foresee a time that I will never hurt as bad as I do now. I miss Brayden so much.

Sweet Baby Brayden

I can't believe that it has been one week since I held my sweet angel in my arms. This past week has been a whirl wind and I feel like I can't catch my breath. I'm trusting in God but the hurt I feel is so deep that I can't comprehend it. I wanted to let you all know how we got to this point.
Last Tuesday I noticed that I hadn't felt Brayden all day. I told Marcus that night but we both weren't too worried because he's done that to us before. The next morning, I was shaking my belly trying to trigger some movement from Brayden. When I didn't feel any I reluctantly called the doctor. (I really didn't want to call because I knew everything was fine) When I spoke to the receptionist she told me to come in right away. I called Marcus at work, told him what was going and he picked me up at home. We dropped Bryce off at my sister in laws and headed the doctor. The whole way there we both weren't worried or nervous because we felt that everything was fine. I wish that would have been true. When we got to the doctor's office the nurse  put the Doppler to my stomach. Usually when they do this his heart beat picks up immediately. The nurse kept going around and around my stomach--no noise. Marcus and I made eye contact and in that moment my heart began to break. They sent us to ultrasound and when our sweet ultrasound tech walked in I started sobbing. She tried to comfort us saying that sometimes babies change positions...but when she put the wand to my stomach I saw her flip a switch to page the doctor. I put my hands over my face and sobbed...then I heard "I'm not seeing a heartbeat."
Our baby was gone. I know that Brayden had a lot against him, but I just didn't expect to lose him. At least not this way.I delivered Brayden Wednesday, June 22 at 8:38 pm. Brayden weighed 4lbs, 3 ounces and was 16 1/2 inches long. Words cannot describe how beautiful this baby was. Brayden was completely perfect. No abnormalities to be seen on the outside.
We had a beautiful funeral for Brayden. Every mother wants her children to be complimented and what a joy it was for me for people to tell me how beautiful my baby was. He looked like a baby doll in his blue gown and chubby cheeks.

Tonight, I am desperate to hold my baby just one more time. I cannot describe the heaviness my arms feel without my baby in them. I am still in a state of shock. I keep telling Marcus that its too much for me to allow myself to even think about. We are both hurting so bad, but we have great medicine with our precious Bryce. (Who by the way, got to hold his little brother.) The only prayer that I can manage to say these days is God see me through. I'm not sure what else to pray right now. My mom told me to take it one day at a time, but really I'm taking it minute by minute. I miss my baby so much.

34 Weeks

Just wanted to give a quick update and also ask for your continued prayers. I spent several hours yesterday in labor and delivery because of my blood pressure. I was allowed to go home but the doctor wants me on bed rest. (This is not possible with a 2 1/2 year old...but I am taking it easy) I have to now see the doctor twice a week. If my blood pressure does not regulate he thinks it's best to go ahead and take Brayden. I don't feel well and my pressure is high, but I want to hold on to him a little bit longer. Please pray!
My next doctor's appointment is Thursday morning.

32 Weeks...

I have to apologize for not updating in awhile. Writing this blog is extremely therapeutic for me but it also is emotionally draining. I have never gone back and reread anything I have written because its hard enough writing in the first place. Sometimes it feels as if I'm watching this situation happen to someone else and not to me.
Can you believe that Brayden has now made is to 32 weeks?! If you serve the God I do then I'm sure you can...but what a miracle baby he is already! We were able to get a 4D ultrasound done of our sweet baby. He's beautiful!! I would like to say that the last few weeks have been uneventful, but I can't. I was actually sent to labor and delivery for a few hours, but God had another plan for our baby. :) We just had a check up Monday. Brayden's heart rate sounded good, my blood pressure could be better, and I measured 30 weeks. Measuring 30 weeks is also a miracle because the week before I only measured 28. He's growing! Last week they estimated that he weighed 2 lbs, 13 ounces.

I would like to ask for your continued prayers. Please pray for Brayden's healing, my blood pressure, and  emotional well being. I have not been sleeping too well these days. My heart breaks a little more each night knowing that I'm one day closer to possibly having to say goodbye to Brayden. The thought is more than I can bare. Also, I will spare the details but the doctor believes that "something is happening" as far as labor is concerned. I have been told this several times before, but I am believing that I will carry Brayden full term.
Our next appointment is June 20th.
TEAM BRAYDEN!
Love,
Deana

28 Weeks

I'm sorry I am just now updating about Monday's appointment. For those of you who know me best,  know that I am just "tired." It seems that the only good news to report is that Brayden is still with us. I cannot believe that I am already 7 months pregnant. In one way it seems that I have been dealing with this forever, but now that his due date is approaching, I feel that it is going by way to fast. Truth be told I'm just not ready to bury my baby. I realize that God is still in control and that there can still be a miracle. I feel my miracle is going to be getting to meet sweet Brayden. I'm so thankful that God has allowed him to defy all statistics that he wouldn't make it past 18 weeks. I just cannot stand the thought losing him. I am scared to death of what the day of his birth is going to bring us. Although there are other emotions I feel that day will bring, scared is the biggest one that jumps out. It's amazing what can hurt you when you are going through something like this. For mother's day, Lisa made some pictures of Bryce and put it in a frame for me. I loved it! But as I was looking at the others, it hurt me to see a friend's gift. Her children have the same age difference as Bryce and Brayden. It was so precious to see them in their pictures with their arms around each other. It struck me that I may not ever get one of those pictures. I know I probably shouldn't think that way, but those are the things that pop into my mind everyday. I cannot believe how much of my life that I taken for granted. I took for granted bringing Bryce home from the hospital. I wish I could go back and live those moments again. I don't think Marcus and I would have minded as much not getting ANY sleep with a newborn that had his days and nights confused. I would give anything for Brayden to be able to keep us up at night.
 Prayers needed.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day yesterday. I spent the day thanking God for giving me my amazing Bryce and also allowing me to be with Brayden this year. While most of the day was spent with my wonderful family, I did experience moments of sadness.  I kept thinking about what this day would mean to me next year. Would I be spending time with Brayden here on earth? There are so many unknowns. Sometimes, the thought of everything that is supposed to happen hurts so deep that I can't even comprehend it. For example, last Saturday Bryce and I went to a farmers market. Bryce was loving naming all of the fruit he saw (he LOVES fruit) and the owner was asking me all about him because she has a grandson around the same age. As I was leaving, she noticed my 28 week tummy and said "Oh, when is your other baby due?" I told her. She then said "Do you know what you're having?" I replied and then she said, "Aw, now this one will have someone to play with." I just smiled and agreed. It didn't make me sad, it was a feeling that I couldn't explain.  It just felt normal to agree with her, so I did.
Today we have our doctor's appointment. I didn't go last week. I have been feeling good movement and I just didn't want any more bad news since we had enough around us with the devastation the tornadoes left behind. I am anxious to see my sweet Brayden today. I will update later.
Please keep the prayers coming!

26 Weeks

I'm sorta at a loss for words today. Yesterday's appointment was different. We didn't get to see Brayden because they only checked for heart tones. That saddened me because I love seeing him every Monday. Also, this week I came prepared with a list of questions to ask my doctor. I have questions every week but because I get so emotionally charged, I always forget to ask them. My doctor sat down with me for almost an hour yesterday answering all of my questions. It was great to get to talk to him for that long. He explained to me that a lot of things that are wrong with Brayden weren't explained in depth because they weren't expecting him to make it this far. Also, he said it is hard for him to deliver such bad news to mothers. I can understand that. I told him that I am the type of person that needs all available information. Good or bad I have to know what I'm dealing with so that I can prepare myself and so I can know what to pray about. 
One of my major questions yesterday was how is it that Brayden still has a normal heart rate if his heart is really as abnormal as they believe it to be? He told me basically the cord is providing him with circulation. In other words, I'm providing Brayden with life support. The Dr. also told me that after birth, once the cord was clamped, that given his heart condition, it would probably not be able to keep beating. 
When the Dr. was telling me this, Brayden was kicking and moving all around. It was a strange feeling. How can a baby that is so alive right now not make it? I'm trying to remain strong. There is no way that I will ever give up on Brayden, but I feel so defeated today. 


"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." (Psalm 61:1-4)